The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking - Source: Anonymous

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St.Nick, aka. St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at some time thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first party (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in Fee Simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear. e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or adequate waning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first party did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first party witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation and disregard of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items, however, did not constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night'' Or words to that effect.

Upon further analysis after said Santa left the premises; said gifts were not all properly documented as to country of origin, Warranty nor Fitness for intended use(s), and no MSDS documentation was provided for any of said articles. Vendor displayed no proper confirmation of license to conduct transactions within the local municipal boundaries, and convenience was not equipped to placard of transported materials, some hazardous. The Santa conveyance bore no vehicle license, and had no apparent provisions for obeying the specifics of the local 'scoop' laws (of which substantial amounts were discovered.)

A large whip was noted, with its potential to harass and inflict pain or harm to the harnessed ruminant locomotion sources in violation of the local Pasado laws. No safety harnessing of any kind was noted about the vehicle, nor were harness or tied-downs; no confined space permit was evident nor respirator use was detected or observed during descent through the confined space to the interior of the dwelling.

A warrant has been issued.

Singed

Scrooge