The Night before Christmas at the Fire House, Legally Speaking

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property in a wintery municipality (hereinafter "the Fire House") a general lack of stirring by all firefighters and creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, bunker boots, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St.Nick, aka. St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at some time thereafter.

The major residents, i.e. the firefighters, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first party (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ‘Capt’), being the lead officer of the House with the parties of the second party (hereinafter ‘Lt’), had retired for a sustained period of sleep (absence any alarms) .

Suddenly, and without prior notice or adequate waning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, (i.e. the lot next door), a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first party did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance thinking there was an emergency.

At that time, the party of the first party did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately nine (9) reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately nine (9) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first party witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, tools and other sharp and pointy items of unknown origin or nature.

Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney without valid Confined Space Entry Permits or supplied air respirator. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with carcinogenic residue from prior chimneys and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, firefighter tools, sharp and pointy objects and other unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco (or other similar leafy substance, only legal in Colorado and Washington) in a small pipe in blatant violation and disregard of local ordinances and no smoking health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking and bunker boots of the firefighters, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with halligan tools, flashlights; small extrication tools and other small gifts to include sharp and pointy items (said items, however, did not constitute "gifts" to said individuals pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S Tax Code, thereby imposing a certain tax liability)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first party did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night'' or words to that effect.

Further analysis, after said Santa left the premises; said gifts were not all properly documented as to country of origin, warranty nor fitness for intended use(s), and no MSDS or safety documentation or training instructions on the proper application of the small tools, sharp and pointy items was provided for any of said articles. 

The vendor displayed no proper confirmation of license to conduct transactions within the local municipal boundaries, and the Santa conveyance was not equipped with a placard of transported materials, some hazardous, bore no valid vehicle license, and had no apparent provisions for obeying the specifics of the local 'scoop' laws (of which substantial amounts were discovered.) 

A large whip was noted, with its potential to harass and inflict pain or harm to the harnessed ruminant locomotion sources in violation of the local Washington Pasado laws. There was no safety harnessing of any kind noted about the vehicle for said Claus, nor were harness or tie-downs, nor respirator equipment or entry permits were detected during descent through confined space to the interior of the dwelling and there was no decontamination effort made at any time.   

An Interpol warrant has been issued.

Source: many, but all anonymous.

A safe and Merry Christmas from my family to yours.