Michael Lannning's Posts - Fire Engineering Training Community2024-03-19T03:57:56ZMichael Lannninghttps://community.fireengineering.com/profile/MichaelLannninghttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/1534606325?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://community.fireengineering.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=22cz4kzqz5su4&xn_auth=noMy Greatest Loss Became My Greatest Strengthtag:community.fireengineering.com,2020-04-21:1219672:BlogPost:6925582020-04-21T02:24:11.000ZMichael Lannninghttps://community.fireengineering.com/profile/MichaelLannning
So where do I begin....<br />
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Growing up I had the relationship with my father that most kids only dream of. He was always strict and taught me there wasn't a gray area in life, ONLY right and wrong. But through it all he was my best friend, as I was his. He taught me to strive to be the best I could be and to never except anything less than 110% from myself. My father was a veteran of the US Navy and a volunteer firefighter, but more importantly he was my hero. As with any father/son relationship…
So where do I begin....<br />
<br />
Growing up I had the relationship with my father that most kids only dream of. He was always strict and taught me there wasn't a gray area in life, ONLY right and wrong. But through it all he was my best friend, as I was his. He taught me to strive to be the best I could be and to never except anything less than 110% from myself. My father was a veteran of the US Navy and a volunteer firefighter, but more importantly he was my hero. As with any father/son relationship my teenage years was rough on us, but finally I pulled my head from my rear and realized I didn't know everything. We were able to repair any damage my teenage years had caused and have a strong relationship in his last few years. I was fortunate to have him as mine until I was 21. That's when God decided it was time to call him home.<br />
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I still remember the phone call like it just happened. I was at work and his oldest brother called to tell me the life changing news... My dad had been found in a hotel room dead, and was being ruled suicide. Of course initially I thought there was no way, this is some kind of dream and soon I'll wake up and all be right in the world. But that was far from the case, March 9th 2013 was the day my dad let the darkness of depressions and his demons overcome him. The day that would eventually shape me into the man I am today. The next few days were full of anger, resentment, sadness, arguments but mostly emptiness. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my dad, let alone plan his burial. Those were the longest days of my life, but looking back there isn't much I remember at all. My struggle was that this is my new reality, and nothing nor anyone's words were going to change that.<br />
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I remember him always saying that when he died no one would probably come to the funeral. Well that was far from the truth, nearly 1000 people walked through that funeral home. What was supposed to be a 2 hour viewing turned into 4.5 hours.. I almost couldn't stand the duration of all those who loved him coming through to express their condolences and kind words. Had he only realized the impact he had left on so many, would that had made a difference? Then we held the burial, one that in a strange way was truly beautiful. From the people having the stand due to all the pews being full, the firetrucks, the 21 gun salute to the bagpiper fading away as he played Amazing Grace. It was perfect, and only fitting for such a great man.<br />
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As the weeks passed, emptiness and anger turned into sadness. Which led me into a dark and lonely place. I found myself in the same place my father must have been in. The pain I was experiencing, I felt was too much to deal with. If I could lose him, I could lose everyone. So after months of alcohol abuse and feeling alone I made the decision, it was time for me to join my father. Sure I had a loving wife, beautiful son and the best family and friends supporting me I could ask for. However the darkness and pain I felt wouldn't let me think straight. I truly thought my only option to fix the damage from my fathers decision, was to opt out of the world. I had lost the most important person in my life, and I just simply couldn't continue. So laying in my bed that early Tuesday morning, I decided today is the day. The day that i will get to see my dad again, and the thought of that allowed me a sense of happiness I hadn't felt for months. I sat there and wrote a letter to my wife, making sure she knew she was the girl of my dreams. Ensuring that she knew without a doubt she had done everything right, but I just couldn't do this thing called life without him. I then wrote my son a letter, for when he was old enough to fathom my decision, then one for when he was 18. Explaining that the joy I had felt when I first held him was the greatest moment of my life. That he would be fine without me, maybe even better off. But that my pain was too much and I wasn't strong enough to beat it. Sitting there with tears rolling down my face, I took my dads revolver from the safe, I slid a bullet into the cylinder and gave it a good spin. Placed it to my head and pulled the trigger. Click was all I heard, which if anything made me even angrier. So, I slid another bullet in, yet again a very depressing click. I mean can I not do anything right?? All I want is to die. Then as quickly as that happened, the next thing I remember is my wife waking me up, visibly upset. I'm not sure why or how, but something caused me to go to sleep after my second attempt.<br />
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Fast forward to today, I accomplished the dream that I always wanted. The dream my dad sacrificed so much to ensure become true. Suicide and Suicide awareness has a very close place to my heart. Now I will be the first to admit, that prior to my experiences with suicide and the way it affected me. I viewed it as an absolutely selfish act. Who could care so little about their loved ones to take their own life?? But the reality of it is that they are so consumed in darkness they cant think or see far enough ahead to realize the consequences of their action. But lets think for a moment is suicide really even selfish? I mean human nature is to fight till our last breathe to survive. So if anything, in its our wired way its brave. But more than anything its sad. Sad that they believe their death is more beneficial then theor life. For someone to stare death in the face and accept it, it just goes against everything we are taught. I remember being told my father was burning in hell due to his choice, first off who in their right damn mind would tell a grieving son such things. Naturally I entertained that possibility, but can someone please tell me where in the Bible it says suicide is an unforgivable sin? Is it any different than theft or infidelity? If you want to get down to the reality of it Suicide is defined as "Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death" so did Jesus Christ not do the same thing when he sacrificed himself for our sins?? I know for a fact my father was a saved man, who after his last breathe was rejoicing among the angels. Today I wouldn't ask for him to be mine again for anything. He is released from the darkness and free of our worldly pains and shortcomings. I hope that through my testimony someone in need will realize that no one is immune to depression or suicidal ideation. This doesn't make you any less desirable or any less of a human being. But my plea to you is to not let your pride or fear of being looked down upon get in the way of you receiving the help you need. I am here for anyone who ever needs an ear to listen, or help you get the proper help you need. Remember you only have one life to live, and no amount of darkness is worth leaving your loved ones behind. Regardless to what you may feel in the moment, someone loves you and needs you here with them. Always remember that no matter how big our problems are, they aren't too large for our God. He will never leave you nor forsaken you. God Bless each of you.Mental Illness- Its Time to Break the Chainstag:community.fireengineering.com,2018-07-30:1219672:BlogPost:6463682018-07-30T16:30:00.000ZMichael Lannninghttps://community.fireengineering.com/profile/MichaelLannning
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<p>Personally, I find mental health to be one of if not the worst stigmas amongst humans today. But for this article more specifically in emergency services. I believe the best place to begin is with my own vulnerability. After all, how can I expect others to follow my lead without transparency and re-counting my own encounters with the disease.…<a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/1558379470?profile=original" target="_self"><img class="align-left" height="258" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/1558379470?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="258"></img></a></p>
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<p>Personally, I find mental health to be one of if not the worst stigmas amongst humans today. But for this article more specifically in emergency services. I believe the best place to begin is with my own vulnerability. After all, how can I expect others to follow my lead without transparency and re-counting my own encounters with the disease.<a href="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/1558379470?profile=original" target="_self"><img width="750" src="http://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/1558379470?profile=RESIZE_1024x1024" width="258" class="align-left" height="258"/></a></p>
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<p>I will be the first to admit that prior to my own experiences with mental disorders, I did not give them much thought. In so few words I was uninformed to the true epidemic that plagues so many humans worldwide. Suicide was a word I had heard many times growing up however was often used in a cry for attention. So naturally I developed a very incorrect and damaging opinion of the word and those that complete the fatal act. That was until I lost my father on March 9th, 2013. Having been raised by a single father who was both a veteran in the US Navy and a firefighter, the loss was catastrophic to say the least. My father allowed his own darkness to overwhelm him and ultimately resulted in him completing suicide. My father had previous diagnoses of PTSD and Bipolar Disorder, but being of another generation where you deal with your pain and feelings in private contributed to his ultimate demise. Naturally, the days and weeks to follow creeped on, appearing today to have all been a blur. But I was told my father was “too weak for this world”, his actions were “those of a coward” and that he was “selfish”. Of course, I contemplated if these words from friends and loved ones were true. The months following, I became consumed by darkness, one that I feel was very similar to my fathers. I tried to battle the thoughts in my head as long as I could, but after a few months of dealing with my own “brain pains,” I decided it was my time to leave this world. I will be the first to say, through the entire process of spiraling out of control, my loved ones never left my mind. I didn’t want to leave them behind and I certainly did not want to die, but I felt I had no other option. I believed that no one would understand what my mind was telling me, and that I would not be looked at the same if I reached out for help. So one day, I sat on my bed and wrote my suicide note for my lovely wife and our infant son. I Ensured they would know that my suicide was not because of them, but because I was exhausted from the continuous battle within my own mind. Luckily my actions that day weren’t successful, and I was woken up that afternoon to see my wife’s face and hold my son.</p>
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<p>Since that day I have transformed the feelings of shame and loneliness into a force to be reckoned with. A personal pledge to fight not only my own demons, but to help all those affected to find positive ways to battle theirs as well. It’s important to understand common myths about suicide. For example, myths that those who take their own lives are cowards or weak. If anything, it is the exact opposite. An example is Meriwether Lewis, of the famed Lewis and Clark Expeditions. Using his story is especially important due to the fact it brings further light to the issue associated with mental health illnesses. Just as an iceberg only presents part of itself to the human eye, the same is evident in Lewis. There was so much people did not know about him, more specifically his struggle with mental illness. Their two-year journey took them into a mysterious world, and they faced countless difficulties. The decision to do this in itself was one that took great strength and courage. So, one would unquestionably say these men were heroic and brave. But Meriwether Lewis is said to have completed suicide, even quoted as saying “I am not a coward, but I am so strong. So hard to die.” Another example</p>
<p> that debunks these common myths is the account of Holocaust Survivors. Research has found that suicide rates in the concentration camps and amongst those who were liberated are arguably the highest in human history. One cannot rightfully argue that these victims were weak or cowards. They survived years of oppression and violence against their race, only to eventually fall to their own hands.</p>
<p><br/> I believe the myths associated with mental illness and suicide is a direct result of a lack of education and awareness. The reality is that those who attempt or successfully complete suicide often don’t truly want to die. Once a person becomes habituated to painful and fearsome events, they become fearless and less bothered by the idea of pain. This fearlessness combined with perceived burdensomeness, and not valued by society elevate the risk for suicide. But the important thing to remember is that this is not reality, it is just the individual's misperception.</p>
<p><br/> All emergency services personnel are exposed to destructive events more often than the public. We are expected to return to the station and continue doing our duties as if nothing ever happened. Many believe that these issues can be compartmentalized and stored away to never be dealt with. Doing so results in maladaptive coping such as, substance abuse and often becoming disconnected from loved ones and reality. Our jobs and the things we see in the process of performing our duties aren’t going to change, and we have little control over what we will experience. However, what each of us do have co</p>
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<p>ntrol over is the way we react, and process what our eyes and minds see and feel. We must learn positive coping strategies.</p>
<p><br/> Firefighters are completing suicide at an alarming rates. The stigma associated with mental health illnesses prevents help seeking. We must not be embarrassed by an illness that is as natural in the human body as cancer or heart disease. Agencies need to step forward and debunk the common misperception that admitting you’re struggling, or need help is career ending. By us being afraid to openly talk about mental health, we are doing nothing but allowing those affected to feel isolated and alone in their battle. It is time to break the chains and stigma associated with Mental health and their disorders. Vulnerability begins with us, and together we will bring change and raise awareness for Mental Health. We owe it to all the brothers and sisters we’ve already lost, we must honor and celebrate their lives. Who knows, the life you save by talking about mental illness may be one of your own brothers or sisters.</p>
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<p>Michael Lanning<br/> Firefighter<br/> City of Kannapolis (NC)</p>